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Click on the pictures above to see detail of the painting		"GEM" Mariana Ruybalid, 45 years old, Berkeley, CA Biographical materials		Picture Details Click on the pictures below to see details of the painting
		Watercolor by Julie Cohn Watercolor by Julie Cohn This painting, "Gem," is Julie Cohn's interpretation of feelings arising from an interview with Mariana Ruybalid. The accompanying text, written by Mariana Ruybalid, represents some of her feelings about her life and disability.
The Present I hesitate to open this package from my mother. A dark gray mist seeps from its edges. Maybe this time I'll receive some love. Somber, swirling fog weighs me down. No way, no way out of this despair and confusion. This leaded body takes a breath but dares not move. No point, no point in living. I did try. Nothing, nothing I could do, I did try for years to get her to love me. But I still drool when I am concentrating and I cannot hide the way I walk and talk. I did try. This thick mist shrouds the road ahead and the dampness permeates my bones. She says she loves me with little presents which say, "You are not the daughter I wanted. You are not tall and blond. Your C.P. is too noticeable. Go away, don't bother me. I won't see, I won't see you, I won't see who you are." She sent me a navy cashmere sweater vest with buttons for Halloween. I don't wear navy blue, and I don't like clothes that need dry cleaning or buttoning. I feel so cold wrapped in this dank cloud of confusion. She sent me a black T-shirt on the first and the second anniversary of my suicide attempt. Some soggy despair weighs me down. Is it hers? What message is she sending? And what does she know? She knows I collect black cotton T-shirts. I told her. But I never told her about the suicide attempt because she'd fall apart and I'd have to take care of her. I can no longer do that. I need to care for the person I'm becoming. Warm comfort understanding I can only heal myself, my body, my anger, seeing Richard, writing, training in Kung Fu and doing yoga. I give myself these gifts. I look for friends who support and embrace my new person. I look for friends who can see me. The somber fog begins to clear. That woman cannot love me. I need to separate myself from her profound depression without cutting my wrist. I start to see that it is her despair. I need to stop letting her confusion see this dark cloud inside me. She was unwell before I was born. Strange release comes with the insight that my C.P. did not make her ill and I don't need to open this present. I begin to see. - by Mariana Ruybalid
The Athlete, Mariana Ruybalid:
As Mariana told me her story she looked me straight in the eyes. Her eyes are soothing and earnest. Mariana was born with cerebral palsy (cp), which affects muscle coordination, balance, and speech. As a result, her speech is fuzzy, though understandable, and the rate at which she does certain things, for instance, how fast she picks up a dime or cup, is also affected. Talking slowly, Mariana chooses her words carefully and speaks with wisdom about her joys and frustrations. She is very bright, as are many people who have cerebral palsy. Her poetry clearly and poignantly reveals her journey through inward struggles to personal triumphs. She has lived in Costa Rica and has now chosen Berkeley as her home because she feels free there. Many stores and cafes there are wheelchair accessible. As a poet, Mariana has developed the capacity to express complex meaning. Often I speak quickly without choosing my words carefully, but because Mariana speaks slowly, she uses her time wisely to convey accurately her deepest emotions and thoughts. Her higher education, emotional growth, and training in kung fu all have added a rich array of influences to her verbal and written expression. To express this in my painting I chose a gem as the symbol for Mariana's words.The gem is unpolished, yet glows from within. The rock surrounding the gem (at her eye level) is multi-textured and solid. Mariana's appearance and manner remind me of the earth. She wears casual clothing, often purple and black colors, and doesn't care to impress with frilly accessories or deliberately impressive words. Her mother, represented on the lower left-hand side of the painting, wears a button mask as she tries to understand Mariana's fascinating world. Mariana's warmth, candor and orange belt in kung fu influenced my choice of a pervading warm tone throughout Gem.